So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We're too hungover to prance.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
