I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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