if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Randomize
