I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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