i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
