That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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