You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
