2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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