Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
