I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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