Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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