Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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