It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
