I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
