nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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