Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
