well I can't set my house on fire every night
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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