I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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