You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
