New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
