If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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