drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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