I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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