I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
