u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
