Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this just has baby written all over it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
