He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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