I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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