i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's never too late to be topless.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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