Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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