I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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