He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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