My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
