Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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