I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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