does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
