I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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