I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
