First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
