I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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