My liver just broke up with me...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
