I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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