Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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