Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
