Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
