Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
