...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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