Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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