he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
