sarcasm needs its own font
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
