Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
