I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Mom said you looked used
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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