my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
