Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
