the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
