Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
